Poem: Who I Once Was

by Lauren Sears

I still love the broken pieces of who I once was.

I still love the parts of me no longer living.

The parts of myself that died.

The parts of myself I destroyed.

The parts of myself I conquered.

The side of me that needed you.

The side of me that wanted you.

The side of me that cried to sleep over lost dreams.

Dreams built on the foundation of needing others to validate my worthiness of love.

Sad dreams. Pathetic dreams. Dreams unworthy of my true potential.

I still love the me that once begged a higher being for strength to make it through the day.

I still love the girl whose hands and voice shook as she shared details of herself with a room full of peers. That girl now, swiftly, unapologetically, and confidently expressing all that she is, all that she loves, believes, and dreams on a stage with the entire world watching.

I still love the girl that allowed lines to be crossed & boundaries broken.

The girl that gave them the power. Power to control, power to manipulate, power to define her worth & direct her path.

The girl that lowered her standards, believing it was the best she could receive because it was the best she was worthy of.

I love the the girl that once needed to please and make proud, everyone but herself. Now, needing the approval of no one but herself.

I still love the me that told lies that hurt other people while she tried to protect her sanity & hold onto the places & people she believed she wanted and needed in order to feel safe, loved, and whole.

I still love the girl that wasted hours caring about what they thought. Wasted hours chasing love from others instead of giving it to herself first.

I still love the girl that was once afraid. The girl that didn’t stand up for herself. The girl that allowed his hands to clench her wrist, little too tightly.

That allowed demands instead of requests that turned from a whisper into a scream. That allowed pulls turn into shoves and shoves into strikes. I love the girl with her shaken and bloodied face that didn’t press charges.

I love you.

But still to this day, one of the hardest things for me to say is it’s okay, I forgive you.

Forgiveness is hard when the action falls for fat out of line with who you really are and what you believe in…

I still love the me that lived another persons version of her life…the self that gave up years of life feeling too uncertain, unworthy, incapable, & afraid to follow the life & dreams that called to her.

I forgive the girl who made choices I’m not proud of.

I forgive the girl I once was.

I’m proud of you.

I’m proud of you for making it this far.

I’m proud of you for being strong, courageous, and resilient.

I’m proud of you for never ever giving up.

I’m proud of you for finding your way.

I love you more today because of what and who had to overcome to become what and who you are today.

I love you.

I forgive you.

I’m proud of you.

You’ve got so much further to go.