
A friend of mine’s boyfriend recently died by suicide. He shot himself in the head. Many (maybe most people) would find this descriptor a shocking thing to share with others. Sometimes she even says, He shot himself in the face. It is so blunt, gratuitous even. But that’s how my friend needs to phrase what happened. It is the truth. The gratuity of the experience is HER truth, and it makes her feel worse not to specify.
There is a societal tendency to talk about death in a less harsh manner: we whisper about it, or else we say, “he passed away” or “he’s gone.” But with suicide grief, it becomes very important to be able to speak your truth. It can help alleviate many of the problems that are so often connected with this particular form of grief.
In 2007, my mother also died by suicide. She jumped off a bridge. Again, this may sound harsh. But at the time I wanted to say it aloud. It was my truth I was trying to integrate, and I didn’t want to pretend. The words provide a terrible visual, and many times people are uncomfortable with this, and in turn they become uncomfortable around the griever. They become uncertain with how to help, what to say, and what to do. This leads people (who could otherwise provide much needed support) to become avoidant instead.
Here are some ways grief after loss by suicide differs from other forms of bereavement, and why it’s important to seek some sort of help during the grieving process.
The circumstance: Death by suicide is sudden, generally unexpected and possibly violent. This makes it more shocking and traumatic than death by natural means. Not only are you grieving but you are also trying to make sense of what happened. Beliefs may be challenged as well, even something as fundamental as belief in (your form of) God, or the belief you can keep loved ones safe. The bereaved will also likely be dealing with processing traumatic images of the death, whether real (if they are the one who found the deceased) or imagined.
A wide range of emotion: There are all the usual feelings that accompany grief (sadness, fear, possibly relief) but then there are added emotions like guilt, anger, shame, blame, and rejection. Suicidal ideation or suicidal thoughts may occur as well.
The questions: “Why did this happen?” and “What could I have done to prevent it?” These types of questions can take a long time to work through and even after that, there may be no true answers. This is where it is especially important to have some mental health support. If a person becomes too bogged down and are unable to eventually find some acceptance, grief can go on for years, keeping you from being able to reconnect with yourself and your life.
Stigma: There is still a stigma attached to suicide with associations of weakness, blame, shame, selfishness, and even sin. It can prevent people from sharing their grief and seeking support. Friends and family may be unsure of what to say or how to react about a suicide, and this can lead to avoidance of the bereaved which in turns leads to the grieving person feeling even more isolated.
Ways to Begin Healing: It is truly important to get some form of help after losing someone to suicide, whether with a therapist or a grief group. Some small ways you can start to help yourself while you grieve are:
Tell your story. Tell it again and again and again, for as long as it takes. I played out the day my mom died in my head for years, trying to make sense of something that didn’t make sense. It also may be important to tell THEIR story: telling the story of the person who died by suicide can help to reinforce that there was so much more to them than their manner of death.
Grounding. When you become overwhelmed by grief, find something concrete to focus on. Feel your feet on the floor. Get up and walk. Talk to someone. Feel your hands on your face. This isn’t meant to stop grief, it is just meant to give your nervous system some relief so you can cope in a more healthful way.
Self-soothing/self-regulating: If you’re open to yoga, absolutely do this. It helps calm the brain and helps your body learn to better self-regulate. It is about learning to feel comfortable while you are uncomfortable. After awhile, you can begin to feel the juxtaposition of going between sadness and a place of more balanced emotion, and a realization that both can exist at once: you can grieve and you can also return to a balance.
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